My useless bucket list

Bucket list. Hollywood creation and fantasy, or real. 

I’ve been thinking about Bucket List lately. I can’t sleep tonight, and keep losing at Solitaire (my natural state) so I thought that I may as well put my ideas down.

A number of years ago, no one had heard of Bucket List. After the movie it seems that everyone feels that if they don’t have a list of things to do before they die, and they do not have every thing checked off, they have failed in life somehow. I don’t know what my liver has in store for me. It may crash before this new treatment comes available. I was reading the other day that in Canada 47% of co-infected people still die waiting for a transplant. So my odds of succeeding in that are better than my chances at Solitaire. 

Like all creations of Hollywood, money is never a barrier. So I began thinking of my own Bucket List and realized how ridiculously impossible it would be for someone on a fixed income like myself. Even the things that cost nothing or little at all seem out of reach. So I’ll make a list and of note what interferes with it. 

#1 - Make friends and build a support system.  

• ‘ It is hard when I can’t get out to make friends, and I still feel that people would not want to hang out with me since I’d slow them down and limit where they can go.’

#2 - Be the phonee rather than the phoner.

• ‘ This would hinge on making friends in the first place. If by some miracle this happens I’d like to (just a few times) be the person who is called rather than the person who calls. My friend John does call me from time to time.’ 

#3 - Take my 5 year cake for sobriety at one of the 12 step groups, AA, CA or NA. 

• ‘ It actually happened last year but I was Casey House then. It would depend on, getting to meetings (which is hard now). Plus finding a sponsor (which I have never been good at). I think that I’ve given up on this idea.’

#4 - Experience a surprise birthday party.

• ‘ First you need friends to pull this off. Can’t see it happening. I will be 50 years old this next birthday, but I have no memory of every having a surprise birthday party. One of my therapist in rehab suggested I organize my own, but then it would not be a surprise. This is one that I’ve hoped for over a decade. I have thrown tons of hints in the past, but I have found lots of gay men hate their birthdays so they believe that I’m a little nuts for wanting to celebrate one. Mind you there is the argument that once you are 10 years old then you are just childish if you like them. I read this from a columnist for a new paper once. I doubted that this columnist had been told that he had 18 months to three years to live back in 1985. To me every birthday has been a year that I am still around. I gave up throwing hints after about 15 years of trying. I spend my birthdays alone, and it is one time when I am the phonee and I get calls from my sisters and Dad.’ 

#5 - Go fishing with Dad.

• ‘I always hated fishing with my Dad when I was young. For the last number of years I have wanted to take him fishing just to spend some quality time with him (We won’t eat the fish, just catch and let them go). Back then I was healthy. Now both of us use walkers, so I have no idea where to go. Plus now you need to buy a licenses first, although there is one day every year when you can fish in special locations without one.’

#6 - See Mom’s grave.

• ‘I don’t think that this will happen. There is cost. The difficulty of traveling that far. Plus where I would stay while I’m there. I know that I’d be offered a sofa at a relatives place and that is great, but I’m beginning to feel that I’ll need to stay at a hotel for accessibility issues and bathroom and rest. It sounds insurmountable.’

Now the crazy ones that will really never happen.

#7 - See San Francisco one last time.  

• ‘Need I say it, money, money, money. Accessibility is a bit of a problem too especially with all those steep hills. On the plus side a friend could come into town, stay with me and drive me around. This one will never happen.’ 

#8 - See Australia.

• ‘Although I have never been, if there is one place I have always wanted to see it is Australia. All I can say is money, money, money, the travel time and my health. Plus, one of the disadvantages for here and S.F. is, what are the odds of meeting people when I am walking around with a walker?’

#9 - Meet someone for a relationship.

• ‘ I know this seems a little odd with the pie in the sky dreams, but it feels like this is not out of place. There are so many obstacles right now. How am I ever going to meet someone when I walk with a walker? Where can I meet someone, since I can’t get in most places? Where am I going to meet someone who doesn’t use drugs or alcohol? I have two strikes against me. I am HIV+, which hasn’t been much of a problem before, but I have noticed that even among POZ folk, co-infection makes them run. I have met HIV+ people who were quite flirty, but cooled right down when co-infection came up.’ Plus I am still dealing with issues from my last relationship. 

#9 - Dance.

• ‘I made these two a tie. If I am stuck with with this walker for another 2 to 3 years, not only are there no places I can access, I can’t dance with the walker anyway. This also requires me to have friends to go with (not happening). Lastly, if my liver gives out before the treatment, and I can’t get a new one, this is just a pipe dream.’

The unfortunate part is that these things on the list seem impossible until I am more mobile. That will mean a new liver and/or the Hepatitis C being cured. By then the bucket list is kind of fruitless since it is supposed to be something done before you die. Once the Hepatitis is gone the urgency will be gone. So Bucket List yea, or nay? To me it seems nay, nay, nay. I feel bad that I am a real Debbie Downer in these postings and I hate that, but it is the real way I feel. When I am with people I mask it with lots of joking, but maybe it shows anyway and that keeps people away from me.

David McHep C