My useless bucket list

Bucket list. Hollywood creation and fantasy, or real. 

I’ve been thinking about Bucket List lately. I can’t sleep tonight, and keep losing at Solitaire (my natural state) so I thought that I may as well put my ideas down.

A number of years ago, no one had heard of Bucket List. After the movie it seems that everyone feels that if they don’t have a list of things to do before they die, and they do not have every thing checked off, they have failed in life somehow. I don’t know what my liver has in store for me. It may crash before this new treatment comes available. I was reading the other day that in Canada 47% of co-infected people still die waiting for a transplant. So my odds of succeeding in that are better than my chances at Solitaire. 

Like all creations of Hollywood, money is never a barrier. So I began thinking of my own Bucket List and realized how ridiculously impossible it would be for someone on a fixed income like myself. Even the things that cost nothing or little at all seem out of reach. So I’ll make a list and of note what interferes with it. 

#1 - Make friends and build a support system.  

• ‘ It is hard when I can’t get out to make friends, and I still feel that people would not want to hang out with me since I’d slow them down and limit where they can go.’

#2 - Be the phonee rather than the phoner.

• ‘ This would hinge on making friends in the first place. If by some miracle this happens I’d like to (just a few times) be the person who is called rather than the person who calls. My friend John does call me from time to time.’ 

#3 - Take my 5 year cake for sobriety at one of the 12 step groups, AA, CA or NA. 

• ‘ It actually happened last year but I was Casey House then. It would depend on, getting to meetings (which is hard now). Plus finding a sponsor (which I have never been good at). I think that I’ve given up on this idea.’

#4 - Experience a surprise birthday party.

• ‘ First you need friends to pull this off. Can’t see it happening. I will be 50 years old this next birthday, but I have no memory of every having a surprise birthday party. One of my therapist in rehab suggested I organize my own, but then it would not be a surprise. This is one that I’ve hoped for over a decade. I have thrown tons of hints in the past, but I have found lots of gay men hate their birthdays so they believe that I’m a little nuts for wanting to celebrate one. Mind you there is the argument that once you are 10 years old then you are just childish if you like them. I read this from a columnist for a new paper once. I doubted that this columnist had been told that he had 18 months to three years to live back in 1985. To me every birthday has been a year that I am still around. I gave up throwing hints after about 15 years of trying. I spend my birthdays alone, and it is one time when I am the phonee and I get calls from my sisters and Dad.’ 

#5 - Go fishing with Dad.

• ‘I always hated fishing with my Dad when I was young. For the last number of years I have wanted to take him fishing just to spend some quality time with him (We won’t eat the fish, just catch and let them go). Back then I was healthy. Now both of us use walkers, so I have no idea where to go. Plus now you need to buy a licenses first, although there is one day every year when you can fish in special locations without one.’

#6 - See Mom’s grave.

• ‘I don’t think that this will happen. There is cost. The difficulty of traveling that far. Plus where I would stay while I’m there. I know that I’d be offered a sofa at a relatives place and that is great, but I’m beginning to feel that I’ll need to stay at a hotel for accessibility issues and bathroom and rest. It sounds insurmountable.’

Now the crazy ones that will really never happen.

#7 - See San Francisco one last time.  

• ‘Need I say it, money, money, money. Accessibility is a bit of a problem too especially with all those steep hills. On the plus side a friend could come into town, stay with me and drive me around. This one will never happen.’ 

#8 - See Australia.

• ‘Although I have never been, if there is one place I have always wanted to see it is Australia. All I can say is money, money, money, the travel time and my health. Plus, one of the disadvantages for here and S.F. is, what are the odds of meeting people when I am walking around with a walker?’

#9 - Meet someone for a relationship.

• ‘ I know this seems a little odd with the pie in the sky dreams, but it feels like this is not out of place. There are so many obstacles right now. How am I ever going to meet someone when I walk with a walker? Where can I meet someone, since I can’t get in most places? Where am I going to meet someone who doesn’t use drugs or alcohol? I have two strikes against me. I am HIV+, which hasn’t been much of a problem before, but I have noticed that even among POZ folk, co-infection makes them run. I have met HIV+ people who were quite flirty, but cooled right down when co-infection came up.’ Plus I am still dealing with issues from my last relationship. 

#9 - Dance.

• ‘I made these two a tie. If I am stuck with with this walker for another 2 to 3 years, not only are there no places I can access, I can’t dance with the walker anyway. This also requires me to have friends to go with (not happening). Lastly, if my liver gives out before the treatment, and I can’t get a new one, this is just a pipe dream.’

The unfortunate part is that these things on the list seem impossible until I am more mobile. That will mean a new liver and/or the Hepatitis C being cured. By then the bucket list is kind of fruitless since it is supposed to be something done before you die. Once the Hepatitis is gone the urgency will be gone. So Bucket List yea, or nay? To me it seems nay, nay, nay. I feel bad that I am a real Debbie Downer in these postings and I hate that, but it is the real way I feel. When I am with people I mask it with lots of joking, but maybe it shows anyway and that keeps people away from me.

David McHep C 

Update for August 24, 2012 - Frustration

Frustration is still a big deal for me.



The memory card ran out during my last sentence. What I was saying was that getting a home universal gym would defeat my purpose of getting out to meet people.

David McHepC

Update For August 1, 2012

I was correct and I did forget some stuff. I was so tired after today I knew that I would. First, despite my frequent trips to the gym, my muscles continue to waste. It seems counterproductive but I enjoy going. Second, my fibrosis is now cirrhosis. Lastly, there was some fluid build up in my abdomen. I suspected this since I haven't put any weight on, but the last few weeks my abdomen has extended a bit. Also I am still a bit jaundiced. Those who know me and saw me before don't see it, but I guess that a medical eye catches it.

David McHep C

Even My Sub-conscience Doesn't Trust My Body

A nightmare showed me that even my sub-conscience doesn't trust my body.



David McHep C

My thoughts on a "CURE" for PTSD

Something I watched on TV left me wondering, "Is there a CURE for PTSD?"



David McHep C

Lonely......I am so lonely.

I guess that I can rant here since no one reads this blog anyway. Not that ranting will help. We just finished celebrating Pride Week here in Toronto. When I moved here I kept hoping that I'd meet friends to do things with. My health interferes with me getting out to meet people. So I didn't really meet such friends by the first pride. I thought, "Well maybe next year will be better." With the exception of one year when Jessica and Hayley came in, I've spent the parades either alone, or in the case of last summer, in Casey House.

This year I was watching the parade alone once again. I did notice that there were couples, groups of friends and families watching. I was the only person that I saw alone. I'm never saying, "maybe next year will be better" because it never is. I have no idea if this liver will give out before next year causing me to start all over again. I don't know when or if I am ever going to get rid of this walker. I've been going to the gym 3 times a week for the past month, but it doesn't feel like there is any improvement. Plus my bladder problems have me using diapers if I am going to go out for a while.

I like going to events like Pride with a friend, or friends so you have someone to talk with. If you see something, you have someone to share it with. I can understand why people don't fancy hanging out at such things with me. I slow them down. There are almost no areas that are accessible, so that would also ruin things. As far as meeting someone, no one is checking out the skinny guy with walker. The diaper is the icing one the cake. I have no idea if I am ready for a relationship anyway. Partly it is because of issues with my last relationship, and the other part is I feel that I would just weigh anyone down. I have to admit that I was on the verge of tears last night, but dam my inability to.

The parade itself was so so. At first I went to the handicap area, but it was an odd layout. The view to the north was blocked by road closure signs and to the south parking signs blocked the view. By the way, all the people in the accessible area were with people. So I gave up on that spot and went down to the street to get a spot with a view. Well I had a great view until with group from Ottawa moved in beside me and spent the rest of the parade hanging over the barricade blocking the view north. I was kind of hoping someone in the crowd would be on Bath Salts and chew his arm off. If they were there, they were not in my neck of the woods. I took pictures while I was there. I haven't done anything with the pictures and I'm not sure if I will.

Oh well. My rant for now,

David McHep C
 

Epilogue To Last Posting

I just thought that I'd update the blog about my trip to the gym. Very frustrating, so even if no one reads it, at least it was a sounding board.






David McHep C